Sad.

This past week I have been feeling so sad.  It seems like most of my friends are leaving the church.  And these are people who wanted to stay.  Who fought for years to find a place for themselves.  and then when they couldn't find a place, they fought to make a place.  One by one they are giving up.  and it makes me sad.  Not because I worry about their eternal salvation (I don't at all--they are all amazing, impressive, kind, good people) but because my church is a better place with them. I'm sad because it doesn't seem like many Mormon's realize that.  I am sad because when they leave it makes it harder for me to stay.  Mormonism is my home, my spiritual scaffolding and my culture.  For at least the past year, I have been in a good place with the church.  God answered my prayers and told me He wanted me to be Mormon.  but maybe that time is coming to an end.  Don't worry this isn't some declaration.  Just an observation that more and more it seems like "my kind" isn't welcome

I will lobby for rights until you kick me out.

I know this has been discussed to death over at Feminist Mormon Housewives but I still can't wrap my brain around it.  The following is a quote by Elaine Dalton.  Sister Dalton is the General Young Women's President.  The title means she is the head of the programming and instruction of girls ages 12 - 18 under the direction of the General Authorities (all men) of the church.  This quote is taken from a devotional she gave at BYU.  The talk was given this year.  I really was going to suffer through the entire 35 minute devotional just so I could back up the claim that the quote is not taken out of context but the devotional is no longer available online.  I can't really imagine any context that would make this more palatable, though.    

"Young women you will be the ones who will provide the example of virtuous womanhood and motherhood.  You will continue to be virtuous  lovely praiseworthy and of good report. You will also be the ones to provide an example of family life in a time when families are under attack, being redefined and disintegrating. You will understand your roles and your responsibilities and thus will see no need to lobby for rights."

I actually am okay with most of the paragraph. Sure, it's trite but luckily, it is also vague.  I will teach my daughter that schooling, parenting, and working all fit under the "virtuous womanhood and motherhood" umbrella.   True, Sister Dalton probably meant it in the more traditional "get married and have babies"  sense but it is at least something I can work with.  

The phrase that makes me second guess my decision to raise my daughter within this church is: "and thus will see no need to lobby for rights."  What!?!  To paraphrase a good friend, that's just one step away from telling Mormon women they can't vote because voting is taking unrighteous dominion over their husbands.   After all, good girls are content with their place.  Good girls would never question the church.  Good girls don't expect things that aren't already offered to them.  

Bah.  That is not what I want for my daughter.  I do not want her to be complacent.  I want her to stretch and grow and develop.  I want her to fight to make things better.  I want her to know that she is every bit as important as boys.  And it is terrifying to me that the person who is in charge of her instruction believes that she should not "lobby for rights".  

I think Sister Dalton mentioned it because this year Mormon women have gotten a little uppity.  They have . . . wait for it . . . tried to start a solidarity campaign to wear pants (dress pants) to church one ONE Sunday.  and we have also . . . written letters (oh the horror) to ask our leaders to let women pray in general conference.  Clearly we are getting out of hand.  Sigh.

I have no idea why our leaders feel threatened.  I am an LDS mother who agrees that family is important.  I am proud to focus nearly all of my energies on raising my children.  I am glad to be part of an organization that values my contribution.  I do understand my roles and responsibilities both as a mother and as a Mormon.   And you know what?  Part of those responsibilities is to LOBBY FOR RIGHTS.  I want there to be room for everybody.  I want women to be able to pray in important meetings.  I want the funding to be equal between boy and girl youth programs.  I want woman's organizations to answer to each other in a more meaningful way.   and I am here to stay.  

50 Shades of Grey.

Yep.  I read it.

Not only did I read it but I also read Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.

You may start judging now.

Or maybe you should start thanking me.  Admit it, you're curious and this way you can ask me anything you want without actually having to read the books yourself.  You're welcome.

Let's get to the questions, shall we?  Oh but wait, first the "plot" summary.  In case you've been living under a rock, 50 Shades of Grey is the story of an innocent girl who is swept off her feet by a gorgeous-yet-emotionally-unavailable billionaire who was wounded by childhood trauma which made him like kinky sex (mostly domination and bondage).  Luckily for him (spoiler alert?) our heroine saves him, and realizes she is into kinky sex too.  Phew.  Now to the questions.

50 Shades of Grey FAQ

Was it good?  Let's put it this way.  It was poorly written and predictable.  Think Twilight but with sex. lots of sex.  so much sex, the sex got boring.  I am not joking.  By book three, I was skipping the sex scenes and reading only the story line.  I know that sounds a lot like reading Playboy for the articles but it's true.

That being said, it was an engaging enough story that I read the first two books in 24 hours.  As much as I expected to hate Christian (the kinky billionaire), I actually liked him and had sympathy for his character.  Likewise, I found myself liking Ana (our heroine).  I read all three because I cared about what happened to them.

But then the author made a fatal mistake.  Perhaps I'm being too harsh because even J. K. Rowlings ended Harry Potter this way but EPILOGUES ARE ALWAYS SUPER LAME AND UNNECESSARY.   Especially an epilogue that involves pregnant ladies being tied up.  Good for you fictional husband and wife that you can keep your kinky sex alive in your custom built room of pain, even with a 2 year old and a baby on the way but COME ON!  I don't want to read about it.  Bleck.  

So, is it mommy porn?  Let me speak to the porn part first. Since porn is defined as "the depiction of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement," I'm going to have to say an unqualified yes.  However, it didn't feel like porn to me because I was in no way sexually excited by the bondage and domination portrayed.  It felt more like reading a boring documentary about the BDSM lifestyle.

To be clear, I have read books that get me excited.  And those books,  make me blush whenever someone walks in the room (even my husband).  But during Shades of Grey I didn't blush at all.  I guess I like my sex books, sweet and romantic . . kinda like Sleepless in Seattle but with the occasional breast.  You know sweet kisses, undressing and then a fade to black.  The actual mechanics are kind of weird to read about it.  And I imagine they would be weird to see as well but I've never actually watched porn.  

Which brings me to the conclusion that it is definitely not mommy porn.  Maybe my friends and I are all prudes but I don't think of bondage as a mom thing.  We all like our fantasies but no one has ever disclosed a flogging fantasy.  And I sure don't have one.

So why is it so popular?  I honestly have no idea.  It was sort of interesting to learn about that lifestyle but it really wasn't a sexy book to me.  I think people read it because they like the idea of reading a sexy book and then the Emperor's Clothes effect took over.  Over all I did not like it.  And I DEFINITELY would not recommend it.

Any other questions?

Discussing Make-up with my daughter . . .

Every since my daughter started watching me put on make-up, I have been pondering how best to explain  why I wear it.   I don't want her to feel like women need make up to be beautiful. But then that begs the question, why do I wear make-up?  The honest answer is because I like how I look better with make-up.  But I don't want my daughter at age 4 to hear that message.  I don't ever want her to hear that message.  I want her to feel beautiful as she is.  I hate that I set the example every day of trying to change how I look to feel more beautiful.  What sort of message is that?

Well, the other day it happened.  Miss M. asked me why I use make-up.  And in the moment I came up with an answer that I am proud of.   I handed her a make-up brush so that she could pretend to put on make-up with me while we talked.

"Why do you like to wear dress up clothes sometimes," I asked?

"Because it is fun to feel fancy."  

"Exactly.  But do you like to wear those clothes all the time?" 

"No, because you can't ride bikes in dress up clothes". 

"That's right.  Make-up is the same way.  I like to wear make-up because it makes me feel fancy.  But I don't like to wear it all the time.  I don't wear it when I swim or exercise and sometimes I don't wear it because I am not in the mood.  Or I don't have time.  Sometimes it is fun to dress up and sometimes it's fun not too."  

Not bad, right?  I think she accepted the reasoning and now I have been making an effort to not wear make more often.  

My Cross Dressing (?) Daughter

Buddy got a bunch of hand-me-downs the other day and Miss M. was very excited to claim the Spiderman shirt.  She was exuberant in it.  But when I picked her up from preschool she was a little subdued.  

"Did everyone love your Spiderman shirt," I asked?  

"Everyone said I looked like a boy".  What? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  She is in a class with 3 and 4 year olds.  How is this happening already?

"Well, that is the silliest thing I've ever heard.  You know that Spiderman is for everyone not just boys, right?"  

"Yeah, I do," she said and skipped off to the car.  Clearly, she was not as upset as I was.  But I couldn't just let it go.  

"Who said you look like a boy?" 

"Oh, A. and S. (two 3 year old girls).  The boys liked the shirt though".  

"well, I like the shirt too.  It is awesome!"

I let it go at this point.  At least I stopped talking to her about it.  But, it still makes me mad.  How can 3 year old girls already have such firm gender lines in their head?  It is so depressing.  And Miss M. hasn't worn the shirt to school since.  She does wear it around the house.  

I am curious if it was the cut of the shirt that made it a "boy shirt" or the superhero.  If I was richer I would buy her a shirt like this so we could do an experiment.  What do you think was it the boxy T-shirt that made Miss M. look like a boy or the spiderman?  

May the Fourth Be With You.

My poor kids were already going to grow up thinking that Christmas Adam (the day before Christmas Eve) and Pi Day (March 14th) are normal holidays and now we have added another to the list.  Enter . . . May the Fourth Be with You.  We had so much fun with this one that I am pretty sure it is going to turn into an annual tradition.  I mean any excuse to watch Star Wars is a good one.  And by Star Wars, I mean the original three and maybe the Phantom Menace (but only because Darth Maul is just so dang sexy).  

I got most of the ideas here.  I don't know how people were "creative" before the internet.  Haha.

Watermelon death star.

Leia Cupcakes

Sweet and Salty Light Sabers.  

Pool Noodle Light Sabers. (A big big hit with the kids)

Star Wars fruit snacks frozen in carbonite.  

 And do you know what made me the most proud about this party?  I did all the food myself.  Usually I make my husband do all the cooking when we have people coming over.

Pearl Jam *updated*

S. is watching a documentary on Pearl Jam while I blog.  And can I just say, I HATE Pearl Jam.  Seriously. I do not like any of their songs.  I thought I liked one of their recent songs but it turns out it wasn't Pearl Jam.  Do any of you like them?  If so, what song? and why?  Eddie Vedder isn't even attractive.  Okay maybe a little back in 93 and when he is photo shopped for the cover of rolling stone.  

But, if we are going to go with 90s grunge.  I much prefer Nirvana.  And Kurt is gorgeous in a needy rocker boy sort of way.

 

*update:  so I got sucked into the documentary. and I hate to admit it but it made me really like Pearl Jam.  Not their music (still not a huge fan) but they all seemed like genuine, down to earth, good guys. who really enjoy making music together.  Plus, gotta love them for taking on Ticket Master.

**update again:  Here is the song that I thought was Pearl Jam but isn't.  It sounds a little like Eddie at the beginning, right?  Or am I just crazy?