50 Shades of Grey.

Yep.  I read it.

Not only did I read it but I also read Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.

You may start judging now.

Or maybe you should start thanking me.  Admit it, you're curious and this way you can ask me anything you want without actually having to read the books yourself.  You're welcome.

Let's get to the questions, shall we?  Oh but wait, first the "plot" summary.  In case you've been living under a rock, 50 Shades of Grey is the story of an innocent girl who is swept off her feet by a gorgeous-yet-emotionally-unavailable billionaire who was wounded by childhood trauma which made him like kinky sex (mostly domination and bondage).  Luckily for him (spoiler alert?) our heroine saves him, and realizes she is into kinky sex too.  Phew.  Now to the questions.

50 Shades of Grey FAQ

Was it good?  Let's put it this way.  It was poorly written and predictable.  Think Twilight but with sex. lots of sex.  so much sex, the sex got boring.  I am not joking.  By book three, I was skipping the sex scenes and reading only the story line.  I know that sounds a lot like reading Playboy for the articles but it's true.

That being said, it was an engaging enough story that I read the first two books in 24 hours.  As much as I expected to hate Christian (the kinky billionaire), I actually liked him and had sympathy for his character.  Likewise, I found myself liking Ana (our heroine).  I read all three because I cared about what happened to them.

But then the author made a fatal mistake.  Perhaps I'm being too harsh because even J. K. Rowlings ended Harry Potter this way but EPILOGUES ARE ALWAYS SUPER LAME AND UNNECESSARY.   Especially an epilogue that involves pregnant ladies being tied up.  Good for you fictional husband and wife that you can keep your kinky sex alive in your custom built room of pain, even with a 2 year old and a baby on the way but COME ON!  I don't want to read about it.  Bleck.  

So, is it mommy porn?  Let me speak to the porn part first. Since porn is defined as "the depiction of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement," I'm going to have to say an unqualified yes.  However, it didn't feel like porn to me because I was in no way sexually excited by the bondage and domination portrayed.  It felt more like reading a boring documentary about the BDSM lifestyle.

To be clear, I have read books that get me excited.  And those books,  make me blush whenever someone walks in the room (even my husband).  But during Shades of Grey I didn't blush at all.  I guess I like my sex books, sweet and romantic . . kinda like Sleepless in Seattle but with the occasional breast.  You know sweet kisses, undressing and then a fade to black.  The actual mechanics are kind of weird to read about it.  And I imagine they would be weird to see as well but I've never actually watched porn.  

Which brings me to the conclusion that it is definitely not mommy porn.  Maybe my friends and I are all prudes but I don't think of bondage as a mom thing.  We all like our fantasies but no one has ever disclosed a flogging fantasy.  And I sure don't have one.

So why is it so popular?  I honestly have no idea.  It was sort of interesting to learn about that lifestyle but it really wasn't a sexy book to me.  I think people read it because they like the idea of reading a sexy book and then the Emperor's Clothes effect took over.  Over all I did not like it.  And I DEFINITELY would not recommend it.

Any other questions?

Discussing Make-up with my daughter . . .

Every since my daughter started watching me put on make-up, I have been pondering how best to explain  why I wear it.   I don't want her to feel like women need make up to be beautiful. But then that begs the question, why do I wear make-up?  The honest answer is because I like how I look better with make-up.  But I don't want my daughter at age 4 to hear that message.  I don't ever want her to hear that message.  I want her to feel beautiful as she is.  I hate that I set the example every day of trying to change how I look to feel more beautiful.  What sort of message is that?

Well, the other day it happened.  Miss M. asked me why I use make-up.  And in the moment I came up with an answer that I am proud of.   I handed her a make-up brush so that she could pretend to put on make-up with me while we talked.

"Why do you like to wear dress up clothes sometimes," I asked?

"Because it is fun to feel fancy."  

"Exactly.  But do you like to wear those clothes all the time?" 

"No, because you can't ride bikes in dress up clothes". 

"That's right.  Make-up is the same way.  I like to wear make-up because it makes me feel fancy.  But I don't like to wear it all the time.  I don't wear it when I swim or exercise and sometimes I don't wear it because I am not in the mood.  Or I don't have time.  Sometimes it is fun to dress up and sometimes it's fun not too."  

Not bad, right?  I think she accepted the reasoning and now I have been making an effort to not wear make more often.  

My Cross Dressing (?) Daughter

Buddy got a bunch of hand-me-downs the other day and Miss M. was very excited to claim the Spiderman shirt.  She was exuberant in it.  But when I picked her up from preschool she was a little subdued.  

"Did everyone love your Spiderman shirt," I asked?  

"Everyone said I looked like a boy".  What? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  She is in a class with 3 and 4 year olds.  How is this happening already?

"Well, that is the silliest thing I've ever heard.  You know that Spiderman is for everyone not just boys, right?"  

"Yeah, I do," she said and skipped off to the car.  Clearly, she was not as upset as I was.  But I couldn't just let it go.  

"Who said you look like a boy?" 

"Oh, A. and S. (two 3 year old girls).  The boys liked the shirt though".  

"well, I like the shirt too.  It is awesome!"

I let it go at this point.  At least I stopped talking to her about it.  But, it still makes me mad.  How can 3 year old girls already have such firm gender lines in their head?  It is so depressing.  And Miss M. hasn't worn the shirt to school since.  She does wear it around the house.  

I am curious if it was the cut of the shirt that made it a "boy shirt" or the superhero.  If I was richer I would buy her a shirt like this so we could do an experiment.  What do you think was it the boxy T-shirt that made Miss M. look like a boy or the spiderman?  

May the Fourth Be With You.

My poor kids were already going to grow up thinking that Christmas Adam (the day before Christmas Eve) and Pi Day (March 14th) are normal holidays and now we have added another to the list.  Enter . . . May the Fourth Be with You.  We had so much fun with this one that I am pretty sure it is going to turn into an annual tradition.  I mean any excuse to watch Star Wars is a good one.  And by Star Wars, I mean the original three and maybe the Phantom Menace (but only because Darth Maul is just so dang sexy).  

I got most of the ideas here.  I don't know how people were "creative" before the internet.  Haha.

Watermelon death star.

Leia Cupcakes

Sweet and Salty Light Sabers.  

Pool Noodle Light Sabers. (A big big hit with the kids)

Star Wars fruit snacks frozen in carbonite.  

 And do you know what made me the most proud about this party?  I did all the food myself.  Usually I make my husband do all the cooking when we have people coming over.

Pearl Jam *updated*

S. is watching a documentary on Pearl Jam while I blog.  And can I just say, I HATE Pearl Jam.  Seriously. I do not like any of their songs.  I thought I liked one of their recent songs but it turns out it wasn't Pearl Jam.  Do any of you like them?  If so, what song? and why?  Eddie Vedder isn't even attractive.  Okay maybe a little back in 93 and when he is photo shopped for the cover of rolling stone.  

But, if we are going to go with 90s grunge.  I much prefer Nirvana.  And Kurt is gorgeous in a needy rocker boy sort of way.

 

*update:  so I got sucked into the documentary. and I hate to admit it but it made me really like Pearl Jam.  Not their music (still not a huge fan) but they all seemed like genuine, down to earth, good guys. who really enjoy making music together.  Plus, gotta love them for taking on Ticket Master.

**update again:  Here is the song that I thought was Pearl Jam but isn't.  It sounds a little like Eddie at the beginning, right?  Or am I just crazy?

Anthem for the Stay-at-home-Parent.

When I was a teenager--Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) seemed to capture my teenage angst so perfectly.  Imagine my joy in discovering that he still understands my angst.  I swear this song was written about staying home with young children.   







And here are the lyrics:


I believe I can see the future
Because I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them (aka my young children) to come around
Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their (my children are always watching me) eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

(spoken)
I'm writing on a little piece of paper (journaling to process emotions)
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well, I'll hide it behind something (gotta hide it from my children)
They won't look behind

I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know,
What else I can do…

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
(Every day) *repeat 4 times as Chorus is playing*
(There is no love) *repeat 2 times*

I'm Free!

You know that scene in My So-Called Life where Angela is dancing around the room in complete happiness because she is finally over Jordan . . . you don't?  well, here it is.  

That is how I feel right now.  For the first time in 20 years (literally) I have ZERO angst about my religion* and my place in it.  It is the most freeing feeling.  I want to dance around the room singing.



*That is not to say that my problems and concerns have gone away.  I still take issue with all the same things.  I just don't feel worked up about it.  

Monster Unit

So I've gotten really behind on my monkey school reporting. So here is a quick recap of our monster unit (mostly without pictures, sigh.)

Books:

Go Away Big Green Monster, and Leonardo the Terrible Monstor.

 

Art Projects:

Playdoh monsters.  The kids loved this.  We did the monsters one week, and the next week we made Monster Frames for the pictures I took.

Monster Vests.  We made monster costumes out of paper bags.  and then used bugles for monster "claws".  

Activities:

Monster sort:  I decorated a bucket like a monster and we fed it the appropriate number of animals.  

Wonderful Friend vs Terrible Monster:  I had the kids act out being wonderful friends and then being terrible monsters.  

Snack:  We made big green monster pancakes with whipped cream, and fruit to make the faces.  

I am sure we did other things, I just can't think of them right now.  It was a great unit and the kids had a lot of fun.  Except for one kid who was afraid of the book "Go Away Big Green Monster".  oops.  

Leaving Facebook: The Second Attempt.

I know I already tried and failed at this but I think it is time to make a second attempt.  All the same pros and cons apply but I have noticed that my extended family is posting less, yet I seem to be checking it more.  I tried having my husband change my password so that I could only log in once a day but most of the time I cheated and just didn't log out.

I'll miss learning more about my fellow ward members and seeing pictures of my extended family but I want to set a better example of living in the real world to my children.  Wish me luck!

The Sexperiment

I just finished reading The Sexperiment by Ed and Lisa Young.  The big "sexperiment " is having sex every day for 7 days in a row.  Which isn't a bad idea.  Although, since my husband is no dummy, I am pretty sure he will be "too tired" on day six so that we have to start our goal over again.  Anyway, despite the decent idea, the book wasn't really that great.  When I read self-help books, I like bullet points.  Do not make me read every paragraph.  Self Help books should be made for skimming.  Plus, when I picked it up, I didn't realize it was a christian sex book.  yawn.

But one paragraph jumped out at me.  And this paragraph was so profound that I want to give a Relief Society lesson on it.  Haha.

"We all have unique abilities and aptitudes to be used while we're here on earth.  We're all just stewards, and one day we are going to be held accountable concerning how we've handled the resources that God has given us. God has given unique gifts to us, and He wants us to return them to Him in their most developed fashion as an act of worship. (so far so good right--this is nothing we wouldn't learn in Sunday school but here comes the whammy---)Our sexuality is a gift from God, and we are to steward it like any other gift He has given us.  --God wants greatness from us in the sexual arena.

Our sexuality is a gift from God.  Booyah! You know how we are not supposed to hide our talents under a bushel?  This never occurred to me before but sex is a talent.  God wants us to develop it.  And that takes practice, and creativity.    Ready. Set. Go.

Goodbye Pacifier!

You know how most babies sleep the first day or so?  Not Buddy.  He wanted to nurse every 45 minutes.  And, by nurse, I mean use-me-as-a-human-pacifier-because-there-wasn't-any-milk-yet.  After 12 hours of this, a nurse heard me casually mention to my husband that we should get him a pacifier. "No," she yelled.  "Babies shouldn't have pacifiers--it will ruin him for nursing."  Luckily, my pediatrician had more sense.  One look at my 10lb baby chomping down on my nipple and she said, "give that kid a damn pacifier".  Bless her.   Of course, thanks to that first nurse (aka mommy paranoia) I resisted until my milk came in but I swear angels started singing hallelujah when I gave him his first pacifier.  Buddy's whole body relaxed in an exclamation of contentment.

Flash forward 2 1/2 years and he is a pacifier junkie.  Technically the rule is he can't take his pacifier out of his room but he is no dummy.  Every time I'm on the phone, he tries to sneak the paci by me.  If I call him on it, he says sweetly, "go away, please Mama.  I want to be alone."  He also has taken to dragging toys into his room so that he can play and suck his paci at the same time.   And heaven knows how many he has stashed around the house.

My husband and I keep telling each other we need to be more strict but the lack of whining and crying is just so dang pleasant when his mouth is otherwise occupied that we never stick to our guns.

Then one day, I've had it.  I had planned to wean him slowly.  To slowly deny access until he was only using it at night and naps but that plan just wasn't working.  I always give in because I am always tired, or he is sick, or hurt, or sad, or I am sick or hurt or sad.  There is always an excuse.  So I decided to bite the bullet and go for it.

To prepare him, I wrote a quick story and we read it several times.




Then it was off to build-a-bear.  He picked out a hideous blue bear, vest, hockey stick and cowboy boots (don't ask, I don't get it either).  And we put his pacifier inside and they sewed up the bear.  Goodbye Pacifier, Hello Paci-Bear.

The crazy thing is he loves this bear and understands that his pacifier is inside where he can't use it but that he can still use "Paci-Bear" to comfort himself.  He gets hurt and instead of asking for a pacifier, he buries his face in Paci-bear.  I am in awe. and Buddy? He is proud.  "I a big kid, Mama!"

It has now been 3 days and he has asked for his pacifier once.  There have been no tears.   I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but so far so good.

How the movie the Road missed the point.

This post has spoilers.  Mostly my reviews aren't really reviews; they're rants.  

The movie version of The Road nearly got it right.  The casting was pretty much spot on (Charlize Theron and Guy Pearce aside).  The sets captured the feel and bleakness of the book.  It even had the correct meandering, yet tense pace.  It was hard to tear my eyes away from the screen.  And yet, the movie makers, with one bad choice, destroyed the entire point of the novel.  And the frustrating thing is ALL THEY  HAD TO DO WAS STICK TO THE ALREADY WRITTEN ENDING.  I forgave them for adding the back story with the wife.  Whatever.  It was unnecessary but it did flesh things out.  But the fact that they deviated when it mattered most makes me think that the people involved in the movie had no idea what McCarthy was trying to say.  

The point (and here comes the spoiler) is that trust is necessary.  That it is okay to reach out to others.  The entire narrative sets the boy and the man against each other, with the man going to extremes to protect the boy by not trusting or helping anyone and the boy continuing to try and convince the man to reach out to others.  At the end of the book, after the man dies, the boy makes the active choice to stop hiding and stand on the road.  It is only because he chose to be found that help was able to find him..  He actively decided to turn his back on the teachings of his father and open himself up to others.  That moment is the only moment of hope and faith in the entire story.  And the movie missed it.

In the movie, the boy is on the beach when he sees the other people.  He has no place to hide.  By the time he notices the stranger, he is spotted.  Thus, his rescue is an accident.  There is no lesson learned and no action by the boy.  In the movie, the boy did not learn or grow, he just was lucky.  There was no redemption.  What a waste.  

Monkey School: Valentines Day

I haven't been posting Monkey School lately.  So I will try and do better.  Today's lesson was all about valentine's day.

We started by reading Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch by Eileen Spinelli.  It is a wonderful book about the power of feeling loved by those around you.  I then had the kids find hearts (I had taped them around the room) to give to a group of sad stuffed animals.

Next, we played in our valentine's day themed sensory bin.  Thanks to the dollar spot at Target, we had heart shaped measuring cups.  The kids loved them and my homemade funnels (if I do say so myself).

Lastly, we did two art projects.  First we made those hearts where you put drops of paint on one side and then fold it over and "massage the paper" (that's how Miss M describes it) until a beautiful, symmetrical design is formed.  I used finger paints for this because I thought they would spread more easily than poster paint.  I think they turned out beautiful.

Then we used homemade stamps to decorate our Valentine's treat bags.  We will use the bags at our party next week.  and yes, the hearts are made out of toilet paper rolls.